me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.