Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
live, laugh, laundry.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope