Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
This is me 🤣🤣
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
🤔😂😂
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly