I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
New Tinder profile.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…