If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
did it work
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.