My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
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Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.