People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.