Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
the last thing a carrot sees
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Hotels are back
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.