What the dentist sees
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Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*