Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
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Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Ummm
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.