The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
.. do you even science?
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.