I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Bike for sale
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.