Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
This kid is going places
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Okay me first
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom