HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
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girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Same pineapple, same
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.