Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?