There is no “we” in pizza
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire