Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?