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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”