Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
You Might Also Like
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes