I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
You Might Also Like
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Flock of bats
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.