I feel like one of these would kill a European
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Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
i now pronounce you bounced.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.