15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
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Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill