No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
You Might Also Like
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.