me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
You Might Also Like
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?