Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Jokes on them. I took 10.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?