My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.