If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.