Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.