A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Me trying to “trust the process”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.