[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.