Danger is very dangerous
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy