The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here