my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Science memes
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.