Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”