Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Art by Pastelkatto
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.