DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
She puts the hot in psychotic
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Bloody internet 😳
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Hmm, not sure about this change
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Friday night party time 🥳
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.