luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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TRAIN’S HERE
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”