So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
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I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Get in loser we’re going crying
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?