why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?