Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
BRO LMFAO
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take