You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now