does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…