My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.