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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
lol
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.