You saw nothing. I am ham.
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Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless