My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”