No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
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Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal