i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming