The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
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I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Happy thanksgiving
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.