Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
called in thicc to work this morning
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Very good news from my accountant